Mothers day message to my little one.

Dear sweet girl,

I may not be a practicing mum right now, that doesn't mean that I don't think of you every day.

I may not have you here beside me, in my arms, it breaks my heart that little bit more, every day.

I see other mums celebrating being a mother, it makes me yearn for you even more. I want you back. You will never be replaced.

I still can't believe you're gone. 

I wish it didn't have to be this way, if I had only one wish in this life, it would to have you back with me.

I can't and I know this will never happen, part of me passed away with you.  I don't want it back, as I know it's with you.

I've been smiling when thinking of you lately, but today I have tears.  Forgive your silly old mum, she needs days like this.

Sweetheart, I'll love you more than you'll ever know. I desperately would have wanted to celebrate Sunday with you, instead I'll celebrate what you did for me.

Sleep tight little one.

Love Mummy xx

I'm back!

Disgraceful. Haven't written a blog since mid December last year, I closed 'Whatever Next' on a high note, I thought it'd remain that way.

The lack of writing isn't for lack of trying, or even not wanting to. I think it was probably best that I'd wait to write when I'd shaken a big black cloud that was hanging over my head.

I have at least 4 drafts of previous attempts, mainly all incredibly bitter, angry and generally ranting at the world and myself.

No one wants to read a venomous stream of consciousness, do they?

I was feeling quite miserable for a while. You'd think that after all that mostly hideous treatment, I'd be jumping for joy, skipping down the street and high fiving all the passers by when it was all over and a clear CT scan under my belt?

Alas not.

I've got to be quite good at disguising my feelings, not something I'm particularly proud of. However, it gets me through the situations where a blubbering wreck is not required. No one wants the human equivalent of Eeyore banging on about how life is so unfair. I do feel that it's time our fortunes changed, so I'm holding on to that.

So, I think I'm starting to turn a bit of a corner. I've been back at work since mid January on a part time basis, full time starts at the beginning of March. Work has been an incredibly positive experience for me.

Without wanting to sound glib... it's a great distraction and makes me feel useful again. My brain is waking up and I'm having to really think - I've confused myself (and probably a few of my colleagues) the past few weeks, but I'm confident that I'll be on top of it all before long.

I don't think I realised how much I valued my working life before I was forced to step away from it for 13 months.

So that's where I am with work.

Personal life, I'm managing to do more. I'm still getting late effects of treatment hampering me slightly, but nothing to really stop me from getting on with the things I want to do. Paul and I are planning some getaways mid and later this year. We've been getting our house just the way we want it too. Decorating, new carpets, plush bedding. Oh yeah, really liking that!

I've been getting more involved with BCUK, I'll elaborate on that further in the coming weeks. I'm very exciting to be part of the charity and am looking forward to more volunteering work in the coming months.

So, it's been a bit of a mixed bag up until recently. Just got to try and keep focusing on all the nice stuff happening in the coming weeks and months...starting with a look (and potential purchase) of this tomorrow :-D